I’m not retired yet. I’m not done working for at least part of a living. But I am done with learning the next new open source programming language. I am done with competing with 20 & 30 somethings over things they learned in school, that I have picked up along the way. I love writing poems, music, meditations, etc … but doubt that writing can support me at the level I desire. This doubt and changes in my life’s rhythm somehow make it harder to choose what I love doing, when I “should be making money”.
(audio: https://soundcloud.com/clark-w-johnson/where-next )
so many projects
so many possibilities
and so little direction being called for
with my old work ways shutting down
not taking all of my days
I’m finding it hard to
keep directed attention
on any task
that takes longer than 1 or 2 sessions
to conceive and complete
why so hard to find my own rhythm?
to map out the progress of my own days?
why so hard to generate and maintain the “drive to finish”
that I’ve apparently relied on others to provide?
each life transition is a point of stopping something and seeking to start something else and teaches its own lessons
taking this aging student
through novice, beginner, intermediate, and expert levels
with their pitfalls and restarts to pick up things only partially understood the first time
I have begun
a new phase
and I wonder where it will take me
and when I will capture the new beat