Eagle’s Flight – the life thread – 5/3/14

Where do I find my real life? Where do I find and recognize deep value in what I do, in who I am? I’m in a slow job period right now, that has some good promise of speeding up. I have lots of things I’m wanting to do, a couple of books to write and publish, some songs to learn how to market and actually sell, rowing practices and a couple of races planned, and a couple of contract projects promised in a month or so,  but …. none are pushing urgent, and so its hard to keep them going. These are primarily “my” projects, things that give me life while I’m doing them, and I wonder when I’ll switch from doing things because I’m responsible for other’s  to doing things because I’m called to them. When will this transition of empty nest and under employment will be complete in me?

the life thread  [ soundcloud audio version ]
Lord,
no work
that I’m paid for

no one telling me they need my services
right now

on my own to make up my schedule
why is it so hard
in a discouraged
a bit depressed
sort of way?

how much have I lived
by reacting
to what others want?

how much do I feel I’ve dropped out
of the race
because everyone only wants my money
and I don’t have extra
to spend on them

the only emails I get
are asking for things
that at one point
I wanted some connection with
but now seem to feed off life
rather than encourage life
my life

I have many things
but I just want some friends
to talk to
to be encouraged by

and sometimes
I just want someone
to need me
and to tell me what to do

Yah,
will this version of lostness pass?
will I find my way forward

soon?

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About Clark W Johnson

I am a poet, interested in using poetry to explore my interactions with the spiritual. I find poetry captures tension, paradox and flow well enough so I can hold experiences at arms length and reflect on them from multiple vantage points. As I walk deeper with my God, I'm finding such a record invaluable for myself, and I find that pieces and parts touch others as well. I love and long for more points of contact along those lines.
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2 Responses to Eagle’s Flight – the life thread – 5/3/14

  1. Darcey Strand says:

    Clark, truly you are a gifted poet, writer and inspiring man. I have friends who embrace the freedom of retirement, perhaps energized…and those who are haunted by the stillness and not needing to be needed, who miss the clock ticking and are just not certain how to apply the time to their own desires. I know I will be in the latter category when I begin that walk. I fret that my identity was first wrapped in mothering, then career. Empty nest, first time in 40 years and I struggle as I find out “who am I” and how am I called to use my years ahead. I’m learning to sit in silence and ponder these questions. Work on those books Clark…looking forward to purchasing one. I am reading ‘one thousand gifts’ by Anne Voskamp. Wonderful reading. Her writing reminds me of yours..I have to stop and ponder the words, the deeper meaning and the beauty of the words. That’s you!!

    • clarksapoet says:

      Thanks Darcey – yep, this is one of life’s rather large transitions. You get so used to doing the family w/ kids things, and then suddenly “not”. It takes some getting used to. And as in any transition there are doubting and rather “lost” times. But even in the midst of feeling crappy in the lostness, I know that it won’t be forever. I know that I’ll gain a new sense of direction, and that God’s not gone I just need some time to shift into a new gear or turn onto a new road, I’d never thought much about before. I’m finding that God’s not offended or surprised by anything I tell him, so when I feel lost, I say so to God (not usually to too many other folks), and I also say, “but I know that in a couple years time, I’ll feel very different about the transition I’m in now, so carry on, but I just wanted you to know that right now, I think it sucks!” 🙂

      And God’s lightning hasn’t struck. I’m not dead yet.

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