endings and beginnings – how much to say – 3/30/13

I find I’m growing up, taking time, and finding a way forward that moves past my fears and matures into something that lets me express and walk out, my true loves in a way that doesn’t scare folks off, but rather draws some in for further conversation.

after a new beginning
how much should I say?
who will be able to hear me?
who will want to hear me?

I’ve said too much
on occasion
and for the longest time
I learned that it’s better
to just be silent
rather than say anything
make some correcting point
or envision a future
a bit too far from our current
cultural comfort zone

I have watched the blast doors
come down
people’s eyes glaze over
when an explanation
became too interesting for me
and I drove right past
the ability or desire
of the audience
to track with whatever I was finding
so terribly interesting

I have striven to teach
with the wrong kind of learning
for someone who’s only problem is
they don’t think the way I do
I’ve had to
“pedal backwards”
to get out of an increasingly
uncomfortable
situation

so silence
became my mantra
for the longest time
I would wait to say anything
until I found
an opening left by another

but such isolation
shouldn’t last forever
there is a time for such defenses
and a time to be done with such things

and I found
after learning to be
completely and (at times) brutally honest
with God
(who, I found out, already knows this stuff anyway)
and myself
(which it turns out is much harder)
and making a deal with myself
that NO ONE
would ever see
or hear
the things I was beginning to write

I found a way to speak
with poetry
that isn’t so directly confrontational
that isn’t about winning arguments
in order to be heard

I found a way
after some years of letting
my hidden thoughts mellow
to let some out
where it seemed fitting
when my edgy fear at being found out
had receded
and I discovered
that not everyone is my audience
but some are
and so I speak
through these poems
and let the audience find me

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About Clark W Johnson

I am a poet, interested in using poetry to explore my interactions with the spiritual. I find poetry captures tension, paradox and flow well enough so I can hold experiences at arms length and reflect on them from multiple vantage points. As I walk deeper with my God, I'm finding such a record invaluable for myself, and I find that pieces and parts touch others as well. I love and long for more points of contact along those lines.
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